Sunday, May 1, 2011

Osama Bin Laden dead May 1, 2011

Osama Bin Laden is Dead for real! I believe Fox news reported it first. Good job! USA USA USA

Monday, April 18, 2011

Blow Your Nose!!!!! Live News blooper...

News Anchor needs to blow her nose before going live. Here is a live news blooper clip. Poor girl find her a Kleenex please

Jeez don't roll up your sleeves


Alan Simpson, Senator from Wyoming, Co-Chair of Obama's deficit
commission, calls senior citizens the Greediest Generation as he
compared "Social Security" to a Milk Cow with 310 million teats.
August, 2010.

Here's a response in a letter from a unknown fellow in Montana...
I think he is a little ticked off!   He also tells it like it is !

"Hey Alan, let's get a few things straight..

1. As a career politician, you have been on the public dole for FIFTY

2. I have been paying Social Security taxes for 48 YEARS (since I was 15
years old. I am now 63).

3 My Social Security payments, and those of millions of other
Americans, were safely tucked away in an interest bearing account for
decades until you political pukes decided to raid the account and give
OUR money to a bunch of zero ambition losers in return for votes, thus
bankrupting the system and turning Social Security into a Ponzi scheme
that would have made Bernie Madoff proud.

4. Recently, just like Lucy & Charlie Brown, you and your ilk pulled the
proverbial football away from millions of American seniors nearing
retirement and moved the goalposts for full retirement from age 65 to
age 67.  NOW, you and your shill commission is proposing to move the
goalposts YET AGAIN.

5  I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying into Medicare
from Day One, and now you morons propose to change the rules of the
game. Why? Because you idiots mismanaged other parts of the economy
to such an  extent that you need to steal money from Medicare to pay
the bills.

6.  I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying income taxes
our entire lives, and now you propose to increase our taxes yet again. Why?
Because you incompetent bastards spent our money so profligately that
you just kept on spending even after you ran out of money. Now, you come
to the American taxpayers and say you need more to pay off YOUR debt.

To add insult to injury, you label us "greedy" for calling "bullshit" on
your incompetence. Well, Captain Bullshit, I have a few questions for

1. How much money have you earned from the American taxpayers during
your pathetic 50-year political career?

2. At what age did you retire from your pathetic political career, and
how much are you receiving in annual retirement benefits from the
American taxpayers?

3. How much do you pay for YOUR government provided health insurance?

4.  What cuts in YOUR retirement and healthcare benefits are you
proposing in your disgusting deficit reduction proposal, or, as usual,
have  you exempted yourself and your political cronies?

It is you, Captain Bullshit, and your political co-conspirators called
Congress who are the "greedy" ones.  It is you and your fellow
nutcases who have bankrupted America and stolen the American dream
from millions of loyal, patriotic taxpayers.  And for what?  Votes.
That's right, sir.  You and yours have bankrupted America for the sole
purpose of advancing your pathetic political careers.  You know it, we
know it, and you know that we know it.

And you can take that to the bank, you miserable son of a bitch.

If you like the way things are in America, delete this.  If you agree
with what a fellow Montana citizen says,  PASS IT ON!!!!
This would change everything and should be retroactive!
No one has been able to explain why young men and women serve in the U.S. Military for 20 years, risking their lives protecting freedom, and only get 50% of their pay. While politicians hold their political positions in the safe confines of the capital, protected by these same men and women, and receive full pay retirement after serving one term. It just does not make any sense.
On Fox news they learned that the staffers of Congress family members are exempt from having to pay back student loans. This will get national attention if other news networks will broadcast it. When you add this to the below, just where will all of it stop?
35 States file lawsuit against the Federal Government
Governors of 35 states have filed suit against the Federal Government for imposing unlawful burdens upon them. It only takes 38 (of the 50) States to convene a Constitutional Convention.
This will take less than thirty seconds to read. If you agree, please pass it on.
This is an idea that we should address.
For too long we have been too complacent about the workings of Congress. Many citizens had no idea that members of Congress could retire with the same pay after only one term, that they specifically exempted themselves from many of the laws they have passed (such as being exempt from any fear of prosecution for sexual harassment) while ordinary citizens must live under those laws. The latest is to exempt themselves from the Healthcare Reform... in all of its forms. Somehow, that doesn't seem logical. We do not have an elite that is above the law. I truly don't care if they are Democrat, Republican, Independent or whatever. The self-serving must stop.
If each person that receives this will forward it on to 20 people, in three days, most people in The United States of America will have the message.. This is one proposal that really should be passed around.
Proposed 28th Amendment to the United States Constitution: "Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States that does not apply equally to the Senators and/or Representatives; and, Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators and/or Representatives that does not apply equally to the citizens of the United States."
You are one of my 20.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

911 Truck Amazing

The trucker's name is John Holmgren from    Shafer , Minn. He has been 'pulled over' numerous times just so the troopers can get their picture taken with the truck.

(scroll down to see the pictures)


Flour Burn Remedy

Impressive!  Why did we never hear of this before??!! I've always just run it under the cold water tap.
A woman's experience with burns . . ..

Some time ago I was cooking some corn and stuck my fork in the boiling water to see if the corn was ready. I missed and my hand went into the boiling water.... A friend of mine, who was a Vietnam vet, came into the house, just as I was screaming, and asked me if I had some plain old flour... I pulled out a bag and he stuck my hand in it.  He told me to keep my hand in the flour for 10 minutes which I did. He said that in Vietnam , there was a guy on fire and in their panic, they threw a bag of flour all over him to put the fire out...Well, it not only put the fire out, but he never even had a blister!!!!
... Long story short, I put my hand in the bag of flour for 10 mins, pulled it out and did not even have a red mark or a blister and absolutely NO PAIN.  Now, I keep a bag of flour in the fridge and every time I burn myself. *Cold flour feels even better than room temperature flour.
I use the flour and have never ONCE had I ever had even a red spot/burn mark, or a blister!  I even burnt my tongue once, put the flour on it for about 10 minutes ... the pain was gone and no burn.
Try it . . . Experience a miracle! Keep a bag of flour in your fridge and you will be happy you did! 
BTW, don't run your burn area under cold water first, just put it directly into the flour for 10 minutes.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Why sharks circle you before they attack

> Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.
> Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a
> sunken ship.
> "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark
> and they swam to the mass of people.
> "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins
> showing." And they did.
> "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with
> all of our fins showing." And they did.
> "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
> When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we
> just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around
> them?"
> His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the
> shit inside!"

Snake eats lizard OMG

These pictures were  taken by one of the road crew members at Cloudbreak , Arizona last week. It took a  total of 5 hours for the Desert King Snake to  finish off the Goanna (Sand  Monitor). 
As you can see, they put some stakes with flag tape on them plus a hazard/danger triangle up to help keeping someone from running over them .Looking at the man then comparing him to both the Desert King and the Goanna the snake looks to be at least 8' and the lizard 5'.What do you think?





Tuesday, April 5, 2011

old fart football

Old Fart Football 

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.' 

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the 
world was that?' 
The old man replied, 'its fart football.' 

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and 
says ‘Touchdown, tie score.' 

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' 

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 
'Touchdown, tie score.' 

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man. 

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. 
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed. 

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' 

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Cletus and Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door,
he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.  Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath.  With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob.  "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in
the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to “a tractor'."

[Don't make me come splain this to you!  ---Read the last line again, slowly--out loud.]

Your final resting place probably isn't going to be as cool as these

Have you seen anything like these resting places?





Friday, April 1, 2011

Perfect Video Game Soda Riot

Riot soda it's the soda that makes you Riot or fizz? This is the perfect video game soda! This is a cola that is sold at fresh and easy markets. It has a good cola flavor and an even better name so why go for lame store brands when you can go for this.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Old Guy Joke

Old Men Are Nicer
An old guy was in Costco the other day, pushing his shopping trolley around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a trolley.
He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.  I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.  What does your wife look like?"
The old guy said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
Most old men are helpful like that....

If gas was like trees

We have to stop cutting down trees!  This is getting serious! 

Management Course Lessons

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1: 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' 

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information with your shareholders in time, pertaining to credit and risk, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a nun a lift..

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' 

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of piƱa coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' 

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. 

Morals of this story:
(1) Not everyone who dumps on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of doo doo is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep doo doo, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


Monday, March 28, 2011

Bob the Chicken


Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside.
Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster.
'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"BOB, wake up! You Shit in the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be.

A sign of the times

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

...My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

...CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

...Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

...A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

...I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

...The bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," and you call them to ask if they meant you or them.

...Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

...My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so the Church re-possessed her!

...A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

...When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now share a room.

...Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.  Oh Great!  The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

...I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and, when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, asked if I could drive a truck.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Amazing Oragami Guy and Oragami

This  guy does origami with dollar bills and lives in a garbage truck.   Be Sure you scroll to the end of this email to look at  photos of inside his truck!    Won  Park is  the master of Origami.  He  is also called the "money folder", a practitioner of origami whose  canvas is the United States One Dollar Bill.    Bending,  twisting, and folding, he creates life-like shapes in stunning  detail.     
One  Dollar

One  Dollar       Butterfly

One  Dollar         Camera

Two  Dollars                Battle Tank

Two  Dollars        Chinese  Dragon

One  Dollar Crab

One  Dollar         Dolphin

Two  Dollars   Jacket

Two  Dollars        Spider

One  Dollar          Scorpion

One  Dollar        Bat

One  Dollar     Toilet  Bowl

One  Dollar       Penguin

One  Dollar       Shark

One  Dollar     Jet

One  Dollar         Hammer Head  Shark

 is  wild ****  He  lives in a garbage truck! You have to look  at
this  house!